arghh..

It always feels marvellous to meet up with old pals..
Pals that u knew since puberty days.. Since before u turned cynical n jaded with life..
Pals who knew u the day u were still young and innocent..

Now i sound like im cynical,jaded, old and evil.. hahahaa...
Well... After meeting some old fren of mine, i always tend to get tad bit nostalgic..
Esp when the person i met.. was once an ex-bf.. First bf in fact..
(Always loved teasing him n jokin abt our lil 'scandalous' past when we were young..)
Who was also a close pal thru out all these yrs.. Frm sec sch to now..
It just feels sweet... To knw that the frenship n love remains thru out these yrs..
N the feeling of closeness despite havin not met for ages, the feeling of comfort and familiarity, no pretense.. It feels good.. Meeting old pals up..
Old pals who will always be there.. No matter how seldom u meet up n talk.
Pple who love u n dont judge u.. Who 'know' u n still love u..
I'm thankful.. To have been blessed with a number of such fabulous frens in my life.

*************************

Last friday.. i showed my weakness.. For once..
To no one.. But myself..
The fear in me.. The worry and stress.. It all just overwhelmed me so bad..
I cried.. Only to myself in private.
Nvr to others.. Nvr in front of others..
My mom always tells us, nvr to cry nor show tears in front of others..
I guess, it rubbed off on me a bit..
I told one person..
I texted someone in that moment of vulnerability and momentary sadness..
A mistake.
Wanted to smack myself the next morning when i woke up.
I'd come so far.. Grew so much stronger and so much more resilient..
I will nvr return back there again. No matter how much i'd want to.
Cuz that place no longer has an area for me..

When moments of sadness n despair attacks..
My defenses r weak.. My fortress wavers..
I tend to turn to the one person that doesn't care..
Thus i end up hurting myself internally..
But it'll all heal.

**********************************

Dad's surgery is next wednesday.
I pray hard that he will be fine. That it will be a successful and smooth operation.
I dunno what else to do cept pray. It sucks to be helpless.
Sighhh.......................
At times, when pple ask me 'how's ur dad.. n is everything ok??'
I dunno how to answer.. Saying everything is ok is the norm..
Yet it's not. I dont like talkin much abt it face-to-face to pple..
It just makes me on the verge of breaking down.. Frm the fear n worry..
My emotions r a tad bit wrecked these mths.. Wtf..